Monday, May 20, 2013

Day 20: Real

Day 20: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Right now I'm really struggling with my purpose in life, my career, my every day fulfillment. It's all kind of the same thing, but also different. I decided to switch jobs earlier this year and I am having some regrets. I used to sell specialty metals and it was a fine job. It didn't pay very much, but the pay was supplemented with bonuses and I worked with great people. But I hated the stress of a sales job. So when an old co-worker I grew up working with contacted me and asked me to take a job working for him, I jumped at the opportunity for change. All I saw was a change and not what the change would be. 

Now I'm working in the transportation industry in an office. When I came onboard, the company was not prepared for me. To be honest, I still feel like they are not ready for me. I spend about an hour a day working and seven hours waiting for someone to give me work. It's very strange and, while it might sound great for some, I hate feeling useless, even if I am getting a paycheck. There is nothing nice about coming home after a day of doing nothing and feeling exhausted. I feel like I'm doing nothing to contribute to the world, just spinning my wheels. It has sent me into a pretty bad funk. 

I have been trying to use this opportunity to do something on the side to help me make extra money, something creative or useful. Nothing is panning out, nothing is feeling right. I've considered looking for another job, but in this economy it feels almost more impossible than any option. I am overwhelmed and then guilty because I should not be overwhelmed: I have a job that pays my bills and I get to basically do anything I want during the day (within reason). But I am not fulfilled. 

I think what makes it emotionally more difficult is that the job I most want in life is to be a mom and that's just not on the horizon right now. Even if I wanted it to be, financially it would only make my situation more depressing. I think everyone I know who has a working uterus is pregnant right now and it's hard to know that it's not my time. I'm sure when it is my time, all of this will look silly and I'll be happy I had a job to pass this time. Common sense says I should ride out this sweet gig until I'm ready to have kids and all will be well. But my heart looks around and says, "How did I get here? Is this what I've spent my life working toward? Who am I? Why am I here?" 

So I sit and wait on the Lord. He's got something up His sleeve, I just have to give Him a chance to show it to me and trust that His timing is perfect.




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