Friday, November 11, 2011

On my heart.

I am the lucky recipient of the genetic gift of a life long struggle with depression. No, I didn't inherit the awesome metabolism that everyone else got as a consolation prize, just the depression (I'm being sarcastic here, using humor to color this less-than-uplifting opening). I self-diagnosed myself as having atypical depression, which means I look forward to good things and they temporarily put me in a happy place, distracting me. The problem is, they're temporary & have exhausted my bank account (It's not cheap to continuously plan trips and take up new hobbies that last a week!).

Upon Tyler's encouragement, I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and sometimes wish she would just throw medication at me and call it a day. She doesn't because she's smarter than I am. What she has helped me discover is that I feel my best when I'm helping people. Helping others is like God's natural antidepressant. There is absolutely no greater feeling and no negative side effects.

But I'm totally scared. I don't formally volunteer at my church or anywhere else because I'm terrified of letting them down. What if I'm having a rough day and don't feel like honoring my commitments? What if they find out I don't go to church every single Sunday? What if I'm just not good enough? I feel like these are such stupid worries! My depression has never prohibited me from doing something I am obligated to do (most of my friends & family don't even know that this is such a big deal in my life). Why would I be prohibited now? I don't know, but I'm scared.

I am trying to branch outside my comfort zone. It's amazing how much God allows me to impact others while remaining in my comfort zone, but I can probably do so much more in addition to what I'm doing already.

Honestly, I didn't plan on posting this. But I read some powerful stories and found some awesome blogs over at Casey Leigh's On My Heart link up and felt moved to share what's really on my heart. I'm glad I did.

I leave you with this picture, because it makes me happy no matter what!

My boyfriend Tyler with my niece Berkeley on his shoulders; me with my second cousin Aubrey on my shoulders; my little sister Morgan, too little to tote around a toddler on her shoulders!@ Bolsa Chica Beach on Labor Day Weekend 2011
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